Lewyn Addresses America

To the tune of the theme song from the Daniel Boone show

Chris Christie is a man. Yes, a big man.
He is brave, he is fearless and as tough as a mighty oak tree.

Chris Christie is a man. Yes, a big man

A solid fiscal conservative is he.

He’s fighting Trump and he’ll fight Biden too
The rippin’est roarin’est fightin’est man New Jersey ever knew.
The unions call him a bully but he bullies them for you.

Chris Christie is a man. Yes, a big man.
What a leader. What a wonder. What a dream come-a-truer is he.

1. To the tune of In Ale Gasn, a 19th-c. Yiddish socialist song

If it Trump or if its Biden

It doesn’t make a difference

Government spending and debt grow

And then with it inflation;

Americans, let’s muster our strength,

And end the rule of the gerontocracy;

Hey, hey, there’s a better way-

Its time for a fiscal conservative

Named – Haley!

2. To the tune of the theme from the Patty Duke show

Trump’s soap opera gets attention everywhere,

From Montana to Lincoln Square,

But Sleepy Joe could pose for nudes

And wouldn’t even make the news

What a crazy pair!

But they’re spenders,

Big government spenders all the way,

One pair of matching bookends, different as night and day.

While Biden adores a cozy night

In his basement with his lovely wife,

Trump loves to rock and roll,

A riot makes him lose control

What a wild duet!

Still they’re spenders,

Big government spenders all the way,

They tax alike they spend alike

They add to the national debt alike

You could lose your mind

When spenders are two of a kind!

So if you’re tired of these two old men

And want someone with a different plans

Try someone who’s actually cut spending

And balanced budgets all the time-

Keep Nikki Haley in mind!

She’s a conservative, a fiscal conservative all the way,

Someone who’ll cut spending, and

Bring down inflation down to stay.

3. To the Tune of Hard Knocks Life from Annie

Hard Knocks Life from Annie

It’s a hard knock life for us

Interest rates are killing us

Inflation keeps going up

And the national debt’s up too

It’s a hard knock life

It feels like no one is helping

DeSantis is focused on Disney,

Trump raised tariffs just like Biden,

And Pence is Mr. Theocracy.

The good news is there’s an alternative,

Her name is Nikki Haley,

She’s focused on the fundamentals,

Stop inflation and make stuff cheap

So there’s a better way

A Reagan Republican way

The media says its obsolete

But the economy disagrees

Haley’s the change we need!

To the tune of “But Mr. Adams” from 1776

Some say we should run Mr. DeSantis

To his legal mind and brilliance they defer

But if he’s is nominated

He’ll be eviscerated

He’s obnoxious and disliked, you know that sir

So maybe we should run Mr. Trump, yes Trump

Maybe we should run Mr. Trump

But Trump’s obsessed with the last election

And as he ages it becomes a mania

Swing voters are tired of his antics

And he will lose from Phoenix to Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania!  A loser he!

So instead let’s run Senator Scott

He’s never controversial as it were

For optimistic conservatism,

For hope-and-change-ism

He’s the strongest candidate there is

Non-controversial! Non-controversial!

Tim Scott is our man!

To the tune of “They Like Ike” (from Call Me Madam)

The presidential year will soon be drawing near
The people soon will choose their fav’rite son
I wonder what they’ll do in 2024
Will Trump or Biden run Washington?

But there’s Mike

Pompeo’s a man of the Right

Unlike them

He’ll cut spending and bomb Tehran

But Donny won’t get out

Mike’s in for plenty of fights

Donny won’t get out

He’s got squatters rights

For nearly fifteen years

Isolationists had the people’s cheers

So Russia and China continue to advance

Americans could arrange

To make a sudden change

But none’s around who seems to have the chance

But there’s Mike

Pompeo will take the tyrants out

If voters see Mike

They’ll know he isn’t kidding

But Donny won’t consent

He’ll get a sock in the jaw

A president who doesn’t appease?

That’s against the law!

If its Mike

Your Chief can go on a hike

And conservatives

Will see he doesn’t tarry

Please don’t to that to Donny!

But they like Mike

They won’t take John Bolton

And DeSantis is going down

The same is true for Haley and for Hutch

And Romney’s right in line

With William Jennings Bryan

There isn’t anyone but Trump that we can run

But there’s Mike

And Mike is good on a mike

So there’s a chance

That Mike will make it

But Biden’s still around

And should Republicans win

When they come around

He won’t let them in

Against Mike

Biden can bet on his Mike

And his things

A moving van will carry

They can’t do that to Biden

But they like Mike…

To the Tune of “The Sacred War” (Russian WW 2 song)

Unite, my fellow Americans

Its time for fighting now

Against the red fascist hordes

Of Beijing and Moscow  

Only Mike Pompeo

Is willing to fight more

Only he has the resolve

To win the new Cold War

For fifteen long years

Under Obama and under Trump

Under Biden and Kamala

Appeasement has triumphed

From Kiev to Kabul  

America has been on the run

If you don’t want to speak Chinese

Send Mike to Washington

To the tune of “I’m a Good Old Rebel“

Nikki Haley’s a Reagan Republican

That’s just what she am

For populism and unions she does not give a damn

She’ll cut taxes and spending

She’s not a Biden man

She’ll fight Iran and Russia

Until America’s won

And she’ll stand up for Israel

As long as there’s a sun

She supports democracy

She’s not a MAGA man

She’ll govern like the Gipper

And not Victor Orban

She’s a Reagan Republican

And that’s just what she am

To the tune of Ca Ira

Oh, Kamala! Kamala! Kamala!

Worthy heir to Biden and Obama

Oh Kamala! Kamala! Kamala!

Our first Black woman President

She’s a bit liberal but not too far left

She can unite Democrats

Oh Kamala! Kamala! Kamala!

Stood up to Republicans in the Senate

Oh Kamala! Kamala! Kamala!

A Democrat who can fight and win

She was a DA who can put away bad guys

Crime went down when she was in charge

(first 4 lines again)

Normally I try to avoid fascist songs because I feel like more people will be offended by them. But for Trump (who I think sort of has a fascist-ish streak, to put it nicely) I think I’ll make an exception. I think using actual Nazi music would go too far, but maybe comparing him to Marshal Petain (the French colloborator) would be a little less extreme. So I tried to see if I could do something about Trump to the tune of a pro-Petain song:

In 2016 a political tornado

Rises from the Rust Belt

And the Midwest and South intoxicated
said “its time for Trump”

All your supporters who love you
And honor your years,
They hear your call,
And say “MAGA’ for Trump!

President Trump , here we are!
Before you, America’s saviour,
We swear, your MAGA men

To serve and to follow you again

You gave us hope

 that old industry will be reborn

So President Trump, because of this

We are agaub yours!

By giving us your life,
And making liberals squirm,
You can make American great again

In your second term

President Trump , here we are!
Before you, America’s saviour,
We swear, your MAGA men To serve and follow you again!

I realize Charlie Baker (the outgoing Republican governor of Mass.) probably isn’t running and is too moderate to get nominated anyhow, but I just thought I’d make something out of the 18th-c. Scottish political song “Wha’ll be king but Charlie?

For twenty years the Republicans

Have been losing or barely winning

But Charlie Baker of Massachusetts

Always wins bigly

From east to west

Around him gather

Start working for him early

Make him the nominee

Cause who can win but Charlie?

From east to west

Around him gather

Not Ronald, not Donald, come all together

And crown your next nominee

Cause who can win but Charlie?

There’s been some talk about John Bolton (a foreign policy appointee under Bush and Trump) running for President. To a greater extent than most possible candidates, he has a discernible ideology beyond being a generic R/D: he is a very strong hawk and in particular a supporter of bombing Iran. So I thought I’d start something to the tune of Marching through Georgia:

We’ve had 16 yrs of isolationists in power;

and Russia and Iran get more power every hour,

So let’s the neocons back

to kick the fascists out,

Its time for President John Bolton!

Hurrah, hurrah, we’ll bring the jubilee!

Hurrah, hurrah the flag that makes you free!

So our troops will sing from Tehran to the sea,

while we are taking out the mullahs!

In North Tehran and Qom they’ll sing with joyful tears,

When they see the U.S. flag they had not seen for years!

Hardly could they be restrained from breaking forth in cheers!
While we are taking out the mullahs!

Hurrah! Hurrah! We bring the jubilee!
Hurrah! Hurrah! The flag that makes you free!
From Tehran to Kiev, from Qom to Kharkiv,

We’ll fight with President Bolton!

I also thought of an Irish war song that fits:

In two thousand and twenty one

the forces of Putin

To take the blue and yellow out bombarded Kiev town

But if Bolton is President

Russia’s huns will be forced to earn their pay

And the Russians

will lightning run

from the air force of the U.S.A.

Putin’s Islamofascists in Iran

laid Syria on the rack

In Iraq and in Israel

they supported terrorist attacks

that bombed mosques and synagogues

in their own heroic way

But the mullahs will

like lightning run

from the air force of the USA!’

Biden’s appeal is that he’s a generic Democrat, so I decided to combine Biden with Democrats generally, borrowing from a Jamiacan political song:

Forward, Biden Forward!

Forward Democrats!
Forward Biden, Forward

To another victory!

Protect the West from Putin

And clean the air and seas,

Forward Biden Forward Biden

To another victory!

Bringing back jobs after COVID is what we need today

Biden’s the chosen vessel to do it come what may

He’s strong fit and ready to lead us every day

Like Clinton and Obama, like Roosevelt and LBJ

Forward, Biden Forward!

Forward Democrats!
Forward Biden, Forward

To another victory!